Are You Living Life on Auto Pilot?

Are you creating a life or are you doing the same things over and over again without any thought? Or worse, doing the same things over and over and getting very little satisfaction? Set routines avoid the process of thinking about what you are doing, which can make things easier and more efficient. However, doing tasks you don’t like or living on autopilot, while doing the same things over again doesn’t allow for innovative thought or the feeling of accomplishment. It’s easy to go along with the program when you want to fit into everyone else’s routine. It’s what is expected of you. You also don’t want to “rock the boat,” even if you are miserable and your soul is begging for you to stop. How can you? How can you change the situation and make things better for you when it seems impossible to do so?

That’s the story of Susan.

* * *

Susan is at a crossroad. She is in a rut with a family routine that is making her unhappy. Her husband is a taskmaster, who expects her to manage the family and household, while also working a full time job. He thinks she needs better time management skills. She feels, she is doing her best by rising earlier in the morning, having lunches made the night before, using a whistle to get the kids out of best, and a stopwatch to get the children out the door and into the car so they’re not caught in traffic. She clocks their study time, bath time, and free time to the minute, making her feel like a drill sergeant, instead of a loving mom.

At the end of the day, she is too tired to enjoy her kids, insisting they stay “on the clock,” which offers little bonding time that she and her children need. The truth is Susan is exhausted trying to live up to the expectations of her husband, who is appalled that she can’t do a better job.

He insists that she must learn to do these things because his job is too demanding to manage her job, too.

“I’m not asking you to do my job!” She pleads. “Just help.”

Her plea is met with silence.

Susan is at wits end, contemplating divorce because she is so unhappy. This is not the way she wants to live her life or raise her kids. This is not the way she wants to be treated by her husband either. She’s become so sick of this routine that the kids moan whenever she asks them to do anything. Clearly they are not happy with this situation either.

Her relationship with husband, John is estranged because of these expectations, making her wonder if she loves him anymore. What happened to us? What happened to me? She laments, as she looks at her tired face in the mirror. Once an attractive woman, the mirror reflects a face that shows a woman that much older in years, barely looking like the woman she remembers. Where did I go?

Divorce is a big step, but that seems to be the direction she and John are headed, so she decides she needs to get away. That evening, she tells John

that she’s going to visit her mother on Saturday, because it’s the anniversary of her father’s death. That means John has to watch the kids. At first, John grimaces, having plans to play golf. Susan tells him to take the kids to the club, so they can swim in the pool. That way he can play golf, knowing the kids are safe and having fun at the pool. He shrugs, understanding that Susan needs this time with her mother.

Susan leaves early that morning to avoid waking up the family and going through a lot of commotion over the death of her dad. She doesn’t want to talk about it.

Heading down the freeway, she stops for coffee and a light breakfast. Sitting at a booth, near her is a man who resembles her father. She keeps staring at the man because of this resemblance. It’s unbelievable! The man doesn’t notice, enjoying his breakfast. After several minutes, Susan goes over to his table, just to get a closer look.

“Pardon me, sir.” She utters. “I hope you don’t mind me staring but-I.” She fumbles. “I know this sounds strange and I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, but you are the spitting image of somebody I know – or knew.” She blurts.

The man looks at her and smiles. Without saying a word, he gets up from the table, pays his check, and before walking out the door, turns and gives her a wink. Susan stands there dumbfounded. Should I run after him? Her legs don’t move. Susan stands there for several minutes, trying to wrap her head around what just happened. Her thoughts are interrupted by the voice of the waitress.

“Will there be anything else? Ma’am?”

Susan shakes her head and pays the bill.

The drive to her mother’s home has Susan enmeshed in contemplation, wondering why she saw this man who resembles her father, and then not saying a word. Arriving, Susan sees the distraught look on her mother’s face, which she knows her mother is trying to hide. This is not the time to talk about divorce! She quips. Her mother is in no condition to hear her marital problems. Giving her mother a big hug, she goes outside to sit on the swing. Her mother watches her.

Susan’s father used to push her higher and higher when she was a little girl. That memory comes to mind as she sways back and forth on the metal seat. She hears herself giggle, not having a care in the world. Oh, daddy! I wish you were here. I don’t know what to do. I need you!

At that moment, a breeze blows across her face, as an image of her father comes before her. He seems so real! Is he an apparition? “Oh daddy! What am I to do?” Her words are filled with torment as they figure in front of her smiles. “Was that you earlier? It must have been you! No one else can look like you!” She tells the silent figure in front. Are you real? You seem so real! Her hand moves toward the figure that immediately moves away. “Maybe it’s best that I not touch you—I don’t want you to disappear!” Despite the figure’s silence, its presence comforters her. She decides to open her heart and share her problem.

“It’s good to feel you are with me, daddy, even if you don’t speak. Knowing you are listening is comforting to me.” Susan says softly. “Although, I wish you would tell me what I should do!” She says, swinging back and forth. “All I know is things must change!”

Suddenly, an image of she and John comes to mind, when they got married. She sees how happy they were, newly-weds with bright beginnings and love overflowing in their hearts.

What happened to that love? Susan questions, quickly visualizing their years of marriage and why they ventured off the path of matrimonial bliss. She sees in her effort to be the perfect wife, she became the perfect pleaser, losing herself in the process.

Now John expects it. And I’m miserable because of it. How can I fix this?

Another breeze blows across her face. An image of her future self being happy comes to mind. Around her are her children and a smiling John. Everyone looks happy! Everyone is enjoying quality family time. Susan smiles at the thought. I would love this! I want this with my family! How can this happen though? I’m considering a divorce! As quickly as the thought of divorce comes to mind, she gets an intuitive hunch. An intuitive hunch that Susan listens to with genuine interest. She feels a sensation of calm, as she senses she is getting led to a happy place. A happy place for me?

Believing it’s possible, she is determined to do what this hunch suggests. Now, she has a plan of action! Armed with a way to make things change for the better, she is excited to get home and try out this new idea that has come to her. Before leaving she trunks to her father’s image.

“Daddy, I believe you are in support of this and why I now know what I need to do!” She tells him exuberantly. “Please comfort mama. She misses you.”

With a wink, he vanishes out of sight.

When Susan returns to the kitchen, she sees her mother smiling.

“I have the most wonderful feeling that your daddy is with us, Susan! I feel his love!” She tells her daughter happily, eyes beaming. Susan is delighted to see this change in the mother’s expression. Susan whispers in her mother’s ear.

“I think you’re right, Mama. I feel daddy, too.”

On the drive home, Susan rehearses how her conversation with the family will go. She fantasizes different scenarios, growing more confident in how this scene will play out, although, this is a new way of thinking for Susan, she has no fear or doubt. She is convinced things will work out favorably, confirming these feelings by telling herself repeatedly, it’s going to work out.

Arriving home, she is disappointed to see that none of the household chores have been done. Dishes are piled in the sink, the living room is tumbled, the laundry is piled on the washer. She looks at her home and her family, realizing that they expect her to jump in and do the work. Instead, she calls her family into the living room.

Taking out her phone, she takes photos, passing these photos to her children and to her husband.

“Maybe you don’t see what I see, but this is how you keep your home.”

Everyone looks at her.

“But mom, you always take care of the house!” Her oldest boy pipes.

“We figured you’d take care of it when you got back” John agrees.

Susan looks at John, realizing she has caused him to not appreciate her. Calmly she replies, “You expect me to clean up after you when there is no reason you can’t pick up after yourself?”

John looks at her dumbfounded.

“Well, honey you’ve always done it, so what’s the big deal?”

“The big deal is that I’m not picking up after you anymore when you are fully capable of doing these chores yourself. We must work together.” Susan says firmly.

“We’ve never done that!” John exclaims, surprised.

“I know! But that is what we are going to do from now on.” Susan replies firmly.

“I don’t know, Susan. This might be taking away from your responsibility.” John tells her blankly.

Susan looks at him squarely.

“I’ll be right back.” Susan tells John before leaving the room.

Susan goes into their bedroom. Tucked inside a storage chest is a photo. She picks it up and takes it to John.

“Do you remember this?” she asks him.

John looks at the photo. Then, he looks at Susan.

Susan shows the photo to her children.

“This is a photo of the day your dad and I got married. See our happy faces.”

Everyone nods.

“I hadn’t seen that photo in years” John tells her, looking closely at the photograph.

“When we made our vows.” Susan tells the family.

“We were determined to make each other happy.” John nods.

“I’m not happy, John. I am not happy to love you and our children and be treated like a servant. That’s not showing any love for me as your wife and their mother.”

Everyone looks at her, not knowing what to say.

Her daughter takes a step forward to give her mother a hug.

“Mom, I love you!” Her daughter tells her. The girl’s eyes are filled with tears, as the boys gather round Susan.

“Mom, we love you!”

“I love you, too” John tells Susan softly. Then says. “I had no idea you were unhappy.”

Yes, John. Now that we’ve got this out in the open, we are going to do things differently from now on. There will be a schedule of duties for everyone, including you, John doing your fair share. After all, you live here too! This is your home.”

John nods his head, as Susan continues.

“No longer will I be blowing a whistle or maximizing time with a stop-watch. Each of you children are old enough to manage your own time and be held accountable for doing your jobs, without me constantly reminding you.”

“But sweetie, the kids need this discipline that you provide” John begs.

“They are getting discipline by disciplining themselves” Susan retaliates strongly... “It’s important that they learn to manage their own time.”

John looks at Susan quizzically, suddenly feeling a sense of pride by his wife’s new sense of authority, Susan continues speaking.

“At the end of the week we can do something fun as a family because we did our jobs and worked together all week.”

John is enamored at his wife’s confident demeanor.

“Susan, I had no idea you were so strong.”

Susan likes the look of pride she sees in her husband’s eyes. A look she hasn’t seen with such love in a long time. Susan smiles. I’m liking how this is going!

John takes Susan’s hand and pulls her close to kiss her. The kids swoon. This is better than I imagined! Susan confides to herself. John whispers in her ear, “I think I like this new Susan!” Susan smiles back, happy to see that things are working out better than she imagined.

All because she was willing to make the changes in herself, so life could go forward.